Carrying Capacity

A piece that was born from the rawest part of my healing.

The truth sets you free, no matter how difficult, painful, and confronting this may be. In the first part of my healing process, I felt in advance—within the deepening—what was going to happen, and I sought the right help for that. This deepening went differently. I felt that I had to choose my deepening and growth in order to choose myself and my own happiness so completely. That it would be big and that I would be in shock. I also felt that I would be able to carry it and that I would need all the space for myself. That I could not be there for anything or anyone, and that I had to set good boundaries. The moment I took the first step and said I couldn’t be there for anyone, an immense carrying capacity revealed itself. “You must first open your heart to yourself,” my mother said. My mother felt that I had repressed something and that I was therefore blocking the opening of my heart. My mother was right…The blockage in my feeling was released, and the complete truth from decades earlier came to the surface…

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As a little girl I often sensed in advance what was going to happen.

I sensed the intense things before they happened, and as a child, I couldn't process this. Before it actually happened, I was already in shock. I was abused by my father, and I felt it was going to happen. I was afraid to accuse my father “unfairly,” or to discuss my feelings.

I have never felt as scared, unsafe and panicked as I did then. Being completely helpless and powerless at the mercy of the other. Being sexually abused as a child was, for me, the worst nightmare there was. I felt terrified and no longer safe and secure.

Everything in me couldn't let him get away with it. I couldn't accept that my father had done this to me. I felt terrified of him, afraid it would happen again and again, and powerless to stop it.

My father sensed that I was terrified of him, but at the same time, I refused to stay silent.

As a 12-year-old, I confronted him. I told him he was never allowed to touch me again, and that I didn’t want to see him or be near him anymore. Two days later, he took his own life.

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The blockage in my feelings was my inner girl.

My inner girl was emotionally blocked, completely paralyzed. A child who is emotionally blocked cannot express herself to you. The moment emotions that you have repressed emerge, it is an attempt by the child in you to reach you.

What gave me strength was my inner girl. Feeling that this girl wants nothing more than to finally be present with this part of herself. Feeling that she wished she could turn to the adult I am now. The adult in me felt scared and insecure.

I tried to empathize with what a child needs when experiencing something so traumatic. The child needed me. That reassured me about entering into this process. By making space for this, I felt that my inner girl naturally expressed all her emotions to me. The adult in me found this difficult.

Beneath the abuse lay a part of me, my deepest self. My deepest self hoped that I wouldn’t run away. By going through the process, the child part of me was able to come out of the many shocks.

I could finally be there for the girl who needed me desperately. The girl who hoped that I would follow my feelings and do everything I could to reach her.

Daring to go to rock bottom.

Giving this girl her life back.

Giving her a fair chance.

Freeing her from the burden she carried.

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Facing and processing sexual abuse feels like hell. You can only bear and work through it emotionally and physically when you are an adult. As a child, you go into shock—the experience and the emotions are too intense to process emotionally and physically.

The child in you wants to be saved by you. The girl or boy in you has no chance without you.

What touched me deeply and inspired me to share this is feeling and experiencing that my deepest self was the one who wanted to express itself, but was afraid the adult in me wouldn’t face it. The child had nowhere to go. When you are in shock, you cannot express yourself. The child hopes it can fully express itself to the adult in you.

And that’s only possible when the adult in you is ready to meet her.

Lots of love,

Kelly

This story was originally written in Dutch as Draagkracht. If you’d like to read it in Dutch, please feel free to email me at info@kellyvandeelen.com, and I’ll send it to you.